What to listen to when the heebie jeebies are getting the best of you. These tracks are transcendental, poetic, wistful, sublime: A detox mix for a disturbed soul with the most refined of taste.
Sunset over Lake Ontario (Oswego, New York).
I've been taking my methadone too early when I have take-homes and as a result spending the last 24-48 hours of the weekly cycle in pretty significant withdrawal. I compiled this meandering playlist of the songs / videos that make me feel calm, reflective, and nostalgic. I've inserted some pointless cultural and historical commentary along the way because I'm me.
If I bite it (when I bite it?) and this page is memorialized, I also thought that it might be nice for family and friends to have this. It's a real piece of my soul - be kind to it.
Enya - Only Time
Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows
Only time
*If you’re feeling too ill to change tracks, there are YouTube videos that play this haunting track on a loop for hours.
Simon and Garfunkel - The Only Living Boy in New York
Half of the time we’re gone
But we don’t know where
Emmylou Harris - Bang the Drum Slowly
I meant to ask you how to fix that car
I always meant to ask you about the war
And what you saw across a bridge too far
Did it leave a scar
Bang the drum slowly; play the pipe lowly
To dust be returning from dust we begin
Bang the drum slowly; I'll speak of things holy
Above and below me world without end
*There is a moving video of this song set to a U.S. military funeral (held at Arlington, I believe).
Dvorak - New World Symphony (Second Movement)
*Classical selection. My piano teacher had a poster with a quote that is reportedly inscribed on an opera house in Frankfurt (I'll have to take her word for it): “Bach gave us God’s word; Mozart gave us God’s laughter; Beethoven gave us God’s fire; And God gave us music, that we might pray without words.” This song evokes a swelling majesty and an abiding loss.
Johnny Cash - Hurt (Nine Inch Nails Cover)
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
*This video, recorded shortly before Johnny Cash’s death, features a montage of his life with June Carter Cash.
Kodaline - High Hopes
In my dreams I see the ghosts of all the people who’ve come and gone
*See the music video for a story about a tragic love that transforms and lingers.
Gordon Lightfoot - If You Could Read My Mind
I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see
*I have no real justification for inclusion of this track here beyond the fact that Gordon Lightfoot’s voice is just so rich and comforting; his is the kind of spellbinding tone that makes you believe him when he tells you that everything is going to be okay.
Tired Pony - Get on the Road
The fire, the wine, the bed and you
In this crimson light I find the truth
And truth is like a punch or two
It hits you hard, it knocks you through
So I get on the road and ride to you
I get on the road and ride to you
Kiss like a fight that neither wins
One tender payment for our sins
You are the drug that I can't quit
Your perfect chaos is a perfect fit
*Dedicated to anyone who has ever let love go because they were in the stranglehold of addiction.
U2 - Mothers of the Disappeared
Where are my sons and daughters?
Cut down
Taken from us
Hear their heartbeats
We hear their heartbeats
Night hangs like a prisoner
Stretched over black and blue
Hear their heartbeats
We hear their heartbeats
*The title is a reference to the Madres de la Plaza de Mayo, a group that publicly demanded that the Videla dictatorship of Argentina release information about their disappeared sons and daughters, many of whom were students and teachers engaged in nonviolent political activism. When I hear this song, I think too about the tens of thousands of Millennial opioid addicts in the U.S. who are either dead or experiencing AWOL of the soul.
Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet
And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, the bad company
All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time
*I think that the Kinks, the Dire Straits, and the Libertines are three of the most niche / underappreciated of British rock bands.
One Headlight - The Wallflowers
Hey
Come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than in the middle
Me and Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
*Bob Dylan’s son Jakob and Jakob’s son Levi are seriously underrated as heartthrobs; Google them, O Ye of Little Faith.
Phosphorescent - Song for Zula
Some say love is a burning thing
That it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a fading thing
Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
See, honey, I saw love
You see it came to me
It put its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell?
Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fishbowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here
Elton John - Rocket Man
And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh, no, no, no
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burning out his fuse up here alone
*Whoever made the animation for this video is a genius; it deserves the 144 million views that it has garnered.
Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
*Stevie Nicks has been vocal about her battle with addiction to clonazepam, a benzodiazepine whose withdrawal syndrome left her in the hospital for a month; she admits that benzo addiction made her legendary coke addiction seem like a walk in the park. She also lost a godson to a Xanax / alcohol overdose.
Fastball - Outta My Head
Sometimes I feel like I'm drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say
Was I out of my head or was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication, it was hard to find
Don't matter what I say, only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then it's time you spoke up too
*I miss the straightforward ‘90s, when the vibe was overridingly positive and low self-esteem was an acceptable excuse for everything from shyness to being a slut.
Counting Crows - Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby
Well, I woke up in mid-afternoon 'cause that's when it all hurts the most
I dream I never know anyone at the party and I'm always the host
If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape; you can only move south down the coast
Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah
There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Oasis - Wonderwall
Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But I’ve never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead the way are blinding…
Bridge Over Troubled Water - Artists for Grenfell (Simon and Garfunkel Cover)
When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
Oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
*This is a heartrending cover of the original by several prominent British artists singing in memory of the Grenfell Tower fire.
Elton John - Candle in the Wind (Princess Diana Version)
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in
*I am a huge Princess Di fan. This video features iconic shots of the most photographed woman of the 20th century. There is something extraordinary, ethereal, and eternal about her photographic presence. Suffice it to say that – despite probable BPD and definite bulimia – Princess Di’s connection with the young, the weak, and the suffering made an indelible impact on the entire world. Among many other touching moments, she held the hand of an AIDS patient on TV at a time when most people were still terrified to be around people with the disease.
Passenger - The Boy Who Cried Wolf
Well, I am the shepherd's only son
And I know what a joke I've become
I have an honest heart but I have lies on my tongue
I don't know how it started or where it came from
And you have no reason and I have no proof
But this time I swear, I'm telling the truth
I saw that old wolf, from tail to tooth
And I know that he's hungry and he's coming down too
*Pure poetry; another animated video worth checking out.
Guster - One Man Wrecking Machine
I built a time machine
I'm going to see the homecoming queen
Take her to the Christmas dance
Maybe now I'll get in her pants
Whatever
Back with my high school friends
Meeting where the train tracks end
Passing round a skinny joint
Rolling up to lookout point
I want to pull it apart and put it back together
I want to relive all my adolescent dreams
Inspired by true events on movie screens
I am a one man wrecking machine
*This song became a kind of personal anthem in my early 30s.
Fun - Carry On
If you're lost and alone, or you're sinkin' like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground
Carry on
Natalie Merchant - Carnival
And I've walked these streets
In the madhouse asylum they can be
Where a wild-eyed misfit prophet
On a traffic island stopped and he raved of saving me
Have I been blind, have I been lost
Inside myself and my own mind?
Hypnotized, mesmerized by what my eyes have seen
*Purportedly a favorite of serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the days before her execution. Nice to know who shares your taste in music.
Lana Del Rey - Ride
I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast
I am alone at midnight
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I
I've got a war in my mind
I just ride
Just ride, I just ride, I just ride
I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
I'm tired of driving 'til I see stars in my eyes
All I've got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride
*There is a video compilation of Marilyn Monroe set to this song that is another favorite of mine.
The Killers - Read My Mind
The good old days, the honest man
The restless heart, the Promised Land
A subtle kiss that no one sees
A broken wrist and a big trapeze
Oh well, I don't mind if you don't mind
'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go
Can you read my mind?
*The Killers filmed the music video for this song in Tokyo; it's definitely worth watching.
Third Eye Blind - God of Wine
Every glamorous sunrise
Throws the planets out of line
A star sign out of whac
A fraudulent zodiac
And the God of Wine
Is crouched down in my room
You let me down, I said it
Now I'm going down
* Whether or not Stephan Jenkins lied about being valedictorian at UC Berkeley, Third Eye Blind is unquestionably one of the GOAT’s.
Third Eye Blind - Deep Inside of You
When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow, you said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sounds, sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you
These secret garden beams
Changed my life so it seems
Fall breeze blows outside, I don't break stride
My thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Janis Joplin - Me and Bobby McGee
But I'd trade all my tomorrows for one single yesterday
To be holdin' Bobby's body next to mine
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
And nothin' don't mean nothin' , honey, if it ain't free
Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home
Sunny came home with a list of names
She didn't believe in transcendence
"And it's time for a few small repairs," she said
Sunny came home with a vengeance
She says, "Days go by, I don't know why
I'm walking on a wire
I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire"
*Don’t judge me for this one.
The Carpenters - The Rainbow Connection
Have you been sleeping, and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
*Don’t Judge Me: Part Deux. I remember hearing this song when I very young and thinking that A) Karen Carpenter had the most beautiful voice that I had ever heard, and B) that she sounded deeply, inexplicably sad even when she was singing songs with bright lyrics. With Karen emaciated from the anorexia that killed her at 32 and her brother Richard so stupefied by Quaaludes that he had to be carried to the piano before certain performances, the Carpenters were a uniquely American shitshow.
Ripple - Grateful Dead
It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air
*I grew up around Dead Heads. One of my cool aunts on my mom’s side had a sticker on her glove compartment that said “Papa Bear: 1942 - Forever.”
Emmylou Harris - Every Grain of Sand (Bob Dylan Cover)
I gaze into the doorway of temptation's angry flame
And every time I pass that way, I always hear my name
Then onward in my journey, I come to understand
That every hair is numbered like every grain of sand
I have gone from rags to riches in the sorrow of the night
In the violence of a summer's dream, in the chill of a wintry light
In the bitter dance of loneliness, fading into space
In the broken mirror of innocence on each forgotten face
I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea
Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other time it's only me
I am hanging in the balance of a perfect finished plan
Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand
Let It Be - The Beatles
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow
Let it be
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