Advice for Parents Who Are Afraid That Their Children Will Become Addicts

Response to a non-addicted parent with addiction in her family who contacted me to ask about signs that her 12-year-old son might become an addict and what to do about knowing that he is at increased risk.

I had to really stop and collect my thoughts for a moment before I answered this one.

In "I Was Never Normal: What It's Like to Be a Drug Addict Who Hasn't Started Using Yet," I wrote about some of the early indicators that I was destined for addiction (and yes, I believe that "destined" is the right word; I was drawn to mind-altering substances so strongly and at such an early age that it seems almost unbelievable, in retrospect).

Specifically, I discuss my anxiety, rigidity, and dissociative symptoms.

I explain addiction to normies as being akin to a severe OCD in which unfathomable anxiety can only be alleviated by the ritual of using.

True to that neuroprofile, growing up pre-addiction, I was very invested in my routines and was quite disturbed when they were thrown off. I was both very high-achieving and very hard on myself, a combination of traits that is exceptionally common in addicts.

More significantly, though, I became increasingly socially isolated as I moved into adolescence, especially when it came to not having a best friend or a group of close friends - something that came about as a combination of my personality, being gay in a conservative town, and my parents' fraught relationship and subsequent separation.

Addiction cannot coexist with healthy familial, friendly, and romantic relationships for long; they are its kryptonite. As British journalist Johann Hari, who is also from a family of addicts, states in his TED Talk (my notes on which are here),"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety... The opposite of addiction is connection."

The thing that matters most is that your son has an open, healthy relationship with you and your partner, and that, beyond that, he has a group of close friends who will help to guide him through the minefield of adolescence. Encouraging participation in sports, band, engineering club - anything that is team-based and involves after-school time commitments - is a wonderful way to steer your child in this direction.

Oh, and, on the subject of clubs and hobbies: Passion and purpose, too, are anathema to addiction. Having genuine interests and deep-seated goals that come from within is a powerful inoculation against addiction.

There are no guarantees in life. I've met people in rehab who didn't touch drugs until they were in their thirties - some of whom have parents who are addicts, which made them swear they would never use substances.

Sometimes, an injury (and resultant prescriptions), an episode of deep anxiety or depression, a breakup, or some other trigger sets it off.

The only thing that you can do is love intensely and communicate openly, making it clear that you are there for your child forever, no matter what challenges life serves up.

One important caveat is not to worry TOO much about addiction specifically. These kinds of psychological concerns have a strange way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies.

Plus, the research on the genetics of addiction shows that the genes involved in addiction likely (and unsurprisingly) manifest in people who don't become addicted as depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions.

For most patients, we don't reduce cancer risk with cancer-specific interventions; rather, we recommend exercise, healthy eating, and reducing stress - all behaviors that also decrease the risk of heart attack / stroke, neurological decline, and many other conditions.

Similarly, we don't mitigate the risk of addiction by focusing overly much on substance use; we simply build up a healthy mind in a healthy body and nurture loving relationships and a purpose in life, all of which not only mitigate the risk of addiction, but of many other mental health problems, as well.

The only specific warning that I can give you is to make sure that your son does not get opioid prescriptions unless they are absolutely medically necessary. Beware dentists who offer hydrocodone (Vicodin) after wisdom teeth removal or GPs who throw codeine at any common cough.

Many, many an addiction has started very early on in life with medically obtained opioids, which - in terms of the percentage of people exposed to them who become addicted, as well as the percentage of addicted people who can never get off of them - are some of the most dangerous drugs on the planet.

Be very leery of giving him stimulant medicine for ADHD, as well. Behavioral interventions are safer and equally effective.

So, your only concern should be raising a healthy, driven human who has friends and family he can rely on when the going gets tough.

You should talk to your son to let him know in age-appropriate terms that, because of family history, he might be at a higher risk of addiction than some of his friends.

Perhaps discuss with him what that might look and feel like - that it would start out as something relaxing or exciting, that he could control, and end up with him feeling like he was trapped because he couldn't feel "normal" without it.

Ask him about what substances his peers are getting into. If he says that he doesn't know, or that none of them use any mind-altering substances, then he is probably not being truthful.

In addition, I would get your son into therapy very quickly if he struggles with anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issues. With addiction in the family history, the "this might be normal adolescent turmoil; we'll give him some time" approach can be a killer.

Approaching therapy as something that "normal," healthy people engage in is really important in families with mental health concerns (which is every family on Earth, in my opinion).

If at any point you discover that your son is regularly using mind-altering substances - not just trying booze or pot once or twice with his friends, but regularly using anything, especially if he is engaging in substance use alone, and even if he says he "has it under control" - get him into long-term, rigorous substance abuse treatment. Immediately. It is likely that his wellbeing, and quite possibly even his life, depend upon it.

If someone had gotten me some help during high school, my life could've been so much better that it hurts me to even think about it now.

If addiction does come up in your son's future, remember that all is not lost! Some of the most self-actualized, impressive people that I know have addiction in their pasts, and this is no coincidence.

Finally, make sure to take time to care for yourself, too! I'm not a parent, but I am a teacher, so I can appreciate to some extent the incredible responsibility - and attendant worry - that comes with caring for a young life. In order for you to be a loving, supportive parent, you've got to have your own time to enjoy yourself and decompress.

As always, feel free to get in touch using the "Contact" form or via Instagram (concreteconfessional) if you've got questions.

As the readership of this website grows, I'm getting messages much more frequently.

Connecting with my readers is my favorite part of having this blog, and it helps me to brainstorm new article ideas and to refine the purpose and direction of this project.

Thank you all for reading! Drop a comment below if you have experience with addiction and parenting.

Take care,

Brian